Game Film Week 6

Re: The lead is precious territory and you don’t want to clog it up with extraneous material: 
I talked with many of you about long titles in leads. Note that in Driver story this appears again. The reporter did it correctly. Short description “Florida’s highway department” in lead and then the full name in lower graph – “the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles”

Perfect Tense and Time Elements (Review Perfect Tense Discussion)

Again - as I said in lab:

• if you have a time element, then use simple past tense. 
• If you lack a time element, then use perfect tense (has/have + participle)

For example:

• Police arrested a suspect Monday in connection with last week's 7-Eleven robbery.
• Police have arrested a suspect in connection with last week's 7-Eleven robbery.

Which are correct?

A Baker County grand jury has indicted a Sanderson couple with first-degree murder Monday in the August death of Derik Burlap.

 A Baker County grand jury indicted a Sanderson couple with first-degree murder Monday in the August death of Derik Burlap.

A Baker County grand jury indicted a Sanderson couple Monday with first-degree murder  in the August death of Derik Burlap.

A Baker County grand jury indicted Monday a Sanderson couple with first-degree murder  in the August death of Derik Burlap.

Passive vs. Active
(If not clear to you, read Grammar Girl on Active vs. Passive Voice) 
Also, review and:

• Passive Voice 1
• Passive Voice 2

Rewrite for practice:
Mellon was asked by Bush to present an update Wednesday and said he wanted similar reports each month.  
Since July, six express offices have been added for handling license renewals, duplicates and replacements in Miami-Dade and Broward counties, Mellon said.

Focus Focus 
Fix this sentence: "We are still faced with long lines of people and the pubic is still not being served within a reasonable amount of time," Mellon said.

Concision (Fix these)  Focus word by word

Mellon said his staff accomplished a reduction of long waits in driver’s license offices in the past three months. 
Mellon said his staff has experienced progress in the past three months toward accomplishing a reduction of waits of four and five hours at some driver’s license offices.
Mellon said that his staff has been successful in reducing wait times. 
He said only motorists with accident-free records for 36 months would be eligible.
The average length of waiting time at the offices in Dade County dropped.
They reduced the waiting times that some driver’s license offices experienced. 
Vacancies went only to those able to speak Spanish.

They applied for part-time janitorial jobs with the company so that they could earn additional money.

Suspensive Hyphenation (read about it at LINK)

Which is correct?

a.   Mellon said his staff has reduced four- and-five hour wait times

b.   Mellon said his staff has reduced four- and five-hour wait times

c.    Mellon said his staff has reduced four-and-five-hour wait times

Just Plain Hyphenation

Which is correct?

a.   They reduced wait times by four-to-five hours.

b.   They reduced wait times by four to five hours.

Word Usage (Just say said 99.999 percent of the time)

With each of these words readers can infer things we might not want to imply. Each of them carries a different kind of freight.

a.   claim = replace it with ___________

b.   concede = replace it with ___________

c.    admit = replace it with ___________

Datelines

Which is correct?

a.   Miami (AP) – In an unusual twist to the sometimes bitter fight …

b.   MIAMI (AP) – In an unusual twist to the sometimes bitter fight …

Please review the Alphabet Soup Rule

Please review Job Descriptions and Titles in AP.

Also review http://mtsu32.mtsu.edu:11178/171/tips.htm#titles

Huh?

What would you do with this directly quoted bureaucratic gobbledygook?

"A longer license term for safe drivers could provide a tangible benefit to these drivers in recognition of their efforts toward highway safety.  At the same time, the longer license term could provide a means of spreading the issuance work load."

a.   REWRITE:

Review The Redact That Rule

The company said that sisters Shirley Drayton and Beverly Barnes were not considered.

They were turned down for a job because English is the only language that they speak.

Officials of the company also said that job applications and interviews are in Spanish only.

However, here which is correct?

a.   Mellon said in the past three months, his staff had made progress.

b.   Mellon said that in the past three months, his staff had made progress.

Power of Punctuation (Do you see difference in meaning?)

City Commissioners voted to repeal parts of a 1980 ordinance last week, which forced all city business to be only carried out in English.

City Commissioners voted to repeal parts of a 1980 ordinance last week that forced all city business to be only carried out in English.
Re DWI - Be Concrete

There has been a large influx of Hispanic immigrants from Cuba, Puerto Rico and Central America. What does "large influx" mean. This is where reporter/editor needs to do some fact checking and put a number to this squishy abstraction. 

DWI = ... despite the influx of hundreds of thousands of Hispanic immigrants from Cuba, Puerto Rico and Central America.

Perplexed by Plurals?

Which is correct? (See this link and look under Portions)

     a. More than one-third of Miami-Dade County residents speak Spanish.

      b. More than one-third of Miami-Dade County residents speaks Spanish.
Which is correct? (See this link and look under Portions)
      a. Though more than one out of three Miami-Dade County residents speak Spanish 
      b. Though more than one out of three Miami-Dade County residents speaks Spanish
One sentence leads

Make this one sentence

TALAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) - Florida's highway department is still seeking ways to ease congestion at state driver licsence office. It is considering a proposal for granting 6-year permits to accident free motorists, the agency's Executive Director said Wednesday.

a.   REWRITE: